when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
