Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
