Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
