i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
