So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
