So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There's always time for handjobs
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
