Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
