got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
