The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
