You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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