barbara walters just said penis...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
