The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
