Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
