we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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