Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
