just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
