I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
