it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
