Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
two words...techno handjob
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
