I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
