i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize