so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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