The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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