i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
