normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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