i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No subtext here. People are naked.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
