ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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