My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
