one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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