did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
