Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What drink are we having for lunch?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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