we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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