apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
