trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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