Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
