Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
