this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
