your thong is hanging out like whoa
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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