Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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