Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
