You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
