The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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