The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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