he told me I talked like a deaf person
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
