If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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