Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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