one might say we're banned from that church
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
