He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
two words...techno handjob
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
