This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
