I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
did i just pee glitter
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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