Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
