so let's talk penis.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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