just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
