im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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