Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
