i think my tv is drunk
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
