R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
cat food counts as protein by the way
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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