we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
