saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
